Monday, 4 April 2016

Update....

thanks for the messages, both public and private, on my recent turn of events.

As luck (?) would have it, the air was barely clear of the usual recriminations (how could you do this etc etc), when I was sent to Singapore for a week at rudely short notice by my employer, then PC issues, then network issues.  Thus the radio silence.

However, before I left, I managed to assure her that this was a one-off, and that my recent struggles with the black dog had gotten the better of me, and that yes, the guy and I had snogged about 3 years back and when he contacted me again unexpectedly I was receptive, as "it was nice to feel as though I was attractive to someone"...  Despite our relative professional closeness, I wasn't aware that his time with my current employer had ended, and he now lives mostly in NYC, visiting here for family reasons.  Happily and truthfully I was able to produce ample evidence of the ongoing depressive episodes, which mollified her a little.

What was odd during the whole thing was what she dragged up from the past.  Entirely innocent things I have done were thrown in my face as evidence of further treachery, an odd comment on my FB from an openly gay friend was taken as dire import of our secret affair, and yet the flimsy excuses I do use when I'm out fucking around didn't score a mention.

Anyway, I seem to have turned the conversation form "my husband is gay" to "my husband is a fucking idiot who can't handle depression and needs therapy", which may or may not be a desirable outcome.

Suffice to say she now watches me like a hawk.  Thus all apps are deleted on the phone (which is oddly liberating), and any texting etc. I might be doing - however innocently - is closely enquired after.  On occasion tears will well in her eyes and she just looks away.

It's all pretty heartbreaking stuff - she really does have my heart, I do love my family, and I don't want my situation to change.  She's demanding I see a counsellor, so I'm half-heartedly looking around.  Work in progress...

 

9 comments:

  1. Wow. Familiar. I went to a counsellor for a while. I talked pretty openly, and we went to one together. My problem was that I was interrogated when I got back about what we talks about. Every time I went I had to figure out what I wanted to tell her, or not tell her.

    I don't know that it helped me that much, but it made her feel better. We currently are not going.

    Hugs.

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    1. thanks - I appreciate your comment (and situation!). And that's exactly what bothers me - the invasion of my privacy, both in session and afterwards. Ironically, the reason the guy stayed 'till 3am was exactly that - the judgement free freedom to talk about what we do and why we do it. Cathartic to get stuff "off the chest", but now that avenue is shut...

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  2. I think you are so right.... Now is when you need people that have the same experiences that you have, someone you trust and feel a bond with. Doesn't have to be sexual. I hope this Blog conversation can help.

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  3. This situation is not exclusive to hetro/bi relationships. Gay men who are in relationship with other men go through the same situations. I have been very fortunate in my situation. My husband of 20 years never questions where I've been or what I do online. That line of communication is a two way street. I agree with Not Alone that maybe your blog can become a temporary way to discuss your current situation.
    BlkJack

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  4. thanks guys - I agree. The purpose of this blog was a light-hearted romp through my infidelities (with a side order of self deprecation), but over the past few years I've been amazed and encouraged by the feedback I've been given and the relationships I've formed. Hopefully all will normalize again soon.

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  5. But, aren't you... gay? You want to stay married, have sex with multiple men, and lie about it even after you've been caught. You're choosing to try to keep her under control and keep doing what you want?

    It'd be one thing if you were just struggling with, struggling toward trying to come out and you didn't know how to say it. You're acting pretty awfully here -- robbing this woman of the truth to gratify your own weak urges and needs. And now you feel "amazed and encouraged?"

    Dude, be a top, man up, and come clean.

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    1. Hi Anonymous - thanks for the comments. I guess I don't really know where I am in regard to coming out, or even, despite the whole 'sex with men' thing, if I'm gay. Sexuality is quite a spectrum, and how we sit within that, and reconcile the same within our lives, is something that each of us deal with in our own way. The 'amazement and encouragement' I referred to isn't in regard to this particular set of circumstances, but to the broader situation and acceptance of people in a similar position of attempting to reconcile "love" and "fidelity" on a non-heteronormative basis. That was what I meant to imply, not a validation of my behavior...

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    2. Thanks for your reply to the comment. When I hear those comments I feel like they are all of society coming down on me, but you handle it much better than I.

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    3. thanks. It's good to be challenged and "called out" sometimes, and equally difficult not to get defensive. Yet another tightrope to walk...

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